Democrats who spent a decade screaming that you’re a white nationalist for wanting a border wall are now frantically ransacking their grandmothers’ attics for Canadian birth certificates. They want to flee the country they claim to love so much — again.
Ugh… these people are such drama queens! Weren’t they all supposed to leave in 2016? And 2020? And last Tuesday?
So here’s what happened. Canada passed a new law called Bill C-3 back in December, and suddenly an estimated three million Americans in New England qualify for Canadian citizenship through ancestry. Three million! Immigration consultant Cassandra Fultz says her American caseload exploded tenfold — from about ten applications a month to over a hundred. The Québec National Archives? Requests from Americans rocketed from 100 in February 2025 to 1,500 in February 2026.
That’s a whole lot of people who are absolutely, positively never going to move to Canada.
We’ve been through this circus before. In 2016, Cher announced she’d move to Jupiter. Bryan Cranston swore he’d relocate to Canada. Chelsea Handler said she “actually will leave” this time. Miley Cyrus posted a tearful video about abandoning America forever.
Every single one of them is still here, still complaining, still cashing checks denominated in US dollars. But sure — this time the Democrats really mean it, you guys.
CNN profiled a woman named Ellen Robillard, a 52-year-old who leads her local Democratic Committee in a suburb of Rochester, New York. Poor “Escape Plan Ellen” has suffered from “burnout, depression and insomnia” over political disagreements. She visited Nova Scotia once and declared, “I felt like a different person there. It was so much less stressful. Everyone was nicer.”
She first looked into fleeing to Canada back in 2016. That was ten years ago. She’s still in Rochester, still chairing her little Democratic Committee, still not packing a single box. Her big escape plan? “I know that I can just get in the car and go.”
The car has not moved, folks.
Then there’s Rachel Rabb, a 34-year-old who already left the United States in 2018 and now bounces between Costa Rica and Mexico. You’d think actually fleeing the country would have scratched the itch for Rachel, but nope — Trump’s reelection in 2024 “reawakened old fears and followed her” to Latin America. She already ran away and she’s still terrified! Now she wants Canadian citizenship as a backup to her backup plan.
“It’s just too dangerous,” she says about the country she doesn’t even live in anymore.
Rachel also claims that “they’re even arresting US citizens” — which is the kind of thing you say when you’ve been marinating in MSNBC panic porn from a beach house in Costa Rica for six years straight. (Must be rough, Rachel. We’re all very worried about you.)
The funniest part of this whole circus? These people want Canadian citizenship without actually wanting to live in Canada. Have you ever met anyone who genuinely dreams of relocating to Winnipeg in January? They’re applying for a passport “just in case,” which is Democrat code for “I want a security blanket, but I’m absolutely not giving up my American salary, my American house, or my American Amazon Prime account.”
Even Canadians see right through this grift. One Reddit user from Ontario pointed out the obvious: these Americans plan to “spend the rest of their working years still in the U.S.” and then retire to Canada “to take advantage of the free healthcare system they never paid a dime into.”
Classic Democrat move — show up after everyone else built the thing and demand your fair share. That’s literally the entire party platform.
And about that “free” healthcare — someone should probably warn these geniuses that 6.5 million Canadians can’t find a family doctor right now. Six and a half million people in a country of 40 million can’t get a basic checkup. Canada’s own health minister told citizens “to be patient.” Patient! While they’re waiting to see a doctor!
A recent Ipsos poll found that 42% of Canadians would personally pay to travel to the United States for medical care. Over 217,000 Canadians fled their own country for medical treatment in a single year. So these brilliant Democrats are applying for citizenship in a country whose own residents are desperately trying to get here for a doctor’s appointment.
Incredible.
The one honest person in CNN’s entire sob story is a guy named Timothy Beaulieu, a 45-year-old from New Hampshire who founded something called PoutineFest — outdoor poutine festivals across New England. He told CNN he’d apply for Canadian citizenship regardless of who occupied the White House. “It could be the best president ever in office in the US and I would still apply with as much passion.”
Tim just really loves cheese curds and gravy. Respect.
But Tim is the exception. The rest of these applicants are Democrats throwing a coast-to-coast tantrum because American voters rejected them twice in a row. Remember — these are the same people who spent four years shrieking about “defending democracy” and “accepting election results.” They branded seventy million Americans as insurrectionists for raising questions about one election. Now? Now they’re literally applying for foreign citizenship because the democratic process didn’t go their way.
How do you spell “hypocrisy” in French Canadian?
The processing time for these citizenship applications is ten months, with about 50,900 people currently in the queue. That means most of these passports will arrive right around the 2026 midterms — just in time for these brave resistance fighters to not move to Canada all over again, vote Democrat from their couches in Massachusetts, and restart the whole hysterical cycle from scratch.
We’ll leave the porch light on for you, Ellen. We know you’re not going anywhere.
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