Sacré bleu! Who could have possibly predicted that spending decades mooching off American taxpayers while lecturing us about climate change and pronouns would eventually blow up in their faces?
Here’s what happened. We and Israel launched strikes against Iran on February 28, and our so-called “allies” across the Atlantic scattered like cockroaches when the kitchen light flips on. Spain closed its airspace and booted our tanker aircraft off bases that American taxpayers built. (You’re welcome, Pedro.) France blocked our military flights. Italy restricted access. And Germany’s defense minister — this is real — shrugged and said it’s “not our war.”
NOT THEIR WAR. The absolute gall of these people.
Because when Russia rolled into Ukraine, that sure was our war, right? When European energy prices exploded because these geniuses spent twenty years making themselves dependent on Russian natural gas instead of building real energy infrastructure, who’d they come crawling to? We sent the troops. We wrote the checks. We buried the soldiers. And they sent us a thank-you card and a lecture about our carbon footprint.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio called NATO a “one-way street,” and that’s being generous. Spain’s Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez actually went on television and bragged about denying us access to the bases we helped build. He was proud of it. The Iranians should send Sánchez a box of chocolates for running interference on their behalf — Tehran’s favorite European useful idiot.
Meanwhile, Iran has kept the Strait of Hormuz choked off for weeks. That strait carries roughly 20% of the world’s oil shipments. Oil prices have blown past $100 a barrel and European economies are buckling. They desperately need that shipping lane reopened. And not one — not a single one — of these freeloading “allies” will lift a finger to help secure it.
They’d rather watch their own economies circle the drain than risk making the mullahs upset. Profiles in courage, every last one of them.
Trump fired back on social media and it was glorious: “All of those countries that can’t get jet fuel because of the Strait of Hormuz, like the United Kingdom, which refused to get involved… I have a suggestion for you. Number 1, buy from the U.S., we have plenty, and Number 2, build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT.”
That’s our president.
British Prime Minister Keir Starmer — a man Trump describes as “lovely” in that tone you’d use for a golden retriever who just peed on the rug again — puffed out his chest and declared this is “not our war.” He refused to let us use British bases for operations against Iran because it would be “illegal.” (He did graciously allow Britain to defend its own military assets after they came under Iranian attack. Jolly good, old chap. Real brave stuff.)
Trump told him he “doesn’t even have a navy” and called Britain’s aircraft carriers “toys.” Starmer can “do whatever he wants,” Trump added. “It doesn’t matter.” Brutal. Accurate. Moving on.
Now let’s talk about the bill for this seventy-seven-year bodyguard gig we’ve been running. European NATO members have collectively underfunded their own defense by a staggering $827 billion since 2014. The combined wealth of non-U.S. NATO countries nearly matches ours, and they spend less than half what we spend on defense. We’ve been picking up the tab at every dinner for eight decades and these clowns can’t even leave a tip.
Under Trump’s relentless arm-twisting, all NATO members finally hit the pathetic 2% of GDP defense spending target last year. They even agreed to raise it to 5% by 2035. A whole decade to maybe — maybe! — start pulling their own weight. Don’t strain yourselves, Europe. Take your time. We’ll just keep writing checks over here.
And here’s the part that’s almost too perfect. Congress passed a law in December 2023 preventing any president from unilaterally withdrawing from NATO without two-thirds Senate approval. Guess who championed that law when he was still a senator? Marco Rubio. The same Marco Rubio who’s now Trump’s Secretary of State calling the alliance a “one-way street.” (Washington really is the funniest city on earth if you’re paying attention.)
But it almost doesn’t matter. Every European capital understands the American blank check has an expiration date stamped on it. Trump doesn’t need to formally withdraw from NATO to make it irrelevant. He just keeps doing what he’s doing — pointing out that the emperor has no clothes, no army, no navy, and no spine.
NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte tried to explain Europe’s paralysis by saying the allies “needed time to get organized.” Seventy-seven years wasn’t enough time? They spent it building welfare states, subsidizing windmills, and assuming Uncle Sam would always show up with the aircraft carriers when things got scary.
We showed up for their wars. We showed up after their terror attacks. We showed up during every refugee crisis and economic meltdown on their continent. And the one time we asked them to hold our coat for five minutes, they told us to pound sand.
Enjoy figuring out how to stop Iran without us, Europe. We’ve got our own country to rebuild — and we’re done being your ATM.
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